Lighthouse

Dear Voyager,

I have learned that walking away is a deeper expression of love. Truer than pouring my ocean into your beautiful but unexpecting hands. You see, you cannot untaste salt. Nor can I unsay love. It will irrevocably bind you to me and in a way, anchor you to a shore you aren't sure is home. Not yet. Maybe not ever. You might feel burdened and these arms will then be nothing but cold iron shackles around your limbs.

So instead this flood within me will be the wind that fills your sails and sets you off to explore the vastness of all those breathtaking waves. Off to the world that for me has shrunk... into you, and the miles, the inches, the breath between us.

While you decide where home is, I already know that I want mine to be in your arms. But I will settle for this cliff and build myself into a great, tall light that will ever be searching and looking forward to your return. In the hopes that one day you will see me in relief, and finally recognize me as your always. The always that you will ever be for me.

I'm painfully aware that you cannot dam the sea so please forgive the smile that I give in return for the ever searching, yearning, question in your eyes. For now my love, I will be your beacon, not the fire to chase the cold, the song, that one day, I pray, calls you home.

I have learned to walk away, to show you what is love.

Hoping,
Lighthouse

You Are Always

You are the great advise that I never listen to.
The perfect full rainbow that I couldn't capture.
The beautiful, freezing, blue sea in winter.
The blue moon on the night of a storm.
You are the peaceful dream I somehow can't remember.
The melody I hum for weeks but never the words.
The decadent dessert I can't have because of the peanuts.
You are always my almost.

You are my favorite oscillation
The unforgettable maybe.
The longest wait.
The sweetest heartbreak.
The deepest sigh.
You are my three am lonely thoughts.
The salt on my pillow
You are the yearning that haunts me when it rains.
You are always, only, my someday.

But then you are the sudden smile when I am alone.
And somehow that makes it all worth it.
Even if
You are always never mine.

Dear Hopeful Heart

Dear Hopeful,

Stay away from a man with a broken heart.
He will be needy and more than ready to cling.
He will be vulnerable and you might always mistake it for a soft side
And be wrongfully impressed because he is in touch with his feelings...
Or worse, see his raw wounds as intimacy. It isn't.
All animals cry out when they are struck.

You will feel the swing of his moods but will choose to be patient.
He leaves you reeling but you will never fail to make excuses.
You keep thinking one day... one day.
So you white knuckle it through the pain of the cuts made on your hands
when you tried to piece together all his broken parts
And hope that they will heal. Later.
When his jagged, shattered parts are back in.
Love, what if its his skin that's abrasive and not his broken heart?
What if he was born with thorns?

You will be the lifesaver.
The driftwood he clings to.
As he fights his way to shore.
You will mistake the way his arms are wound tightly around you for a loving embrace.
Instead of simply a desperate bid at survival.
And once his toes touch sand and he heaves and lounges, wobbles at the shore, he will see himself finally safe and whole.
Then he will see you too.
But what use has an inland man for you when he no longer drowns?
It is rare for him to keep you.
Some will be grateful and thank you but always, leave you by the shore.
Some will push you back into the waves, with a noble tbought for you to save more lives.
Most will never look back. And leave you to drown in an angry bitter sea of your own making.
Don't say I didn't warn you.

Love,
The Mending

Eight Months

You have the broadest shoulders. 

I love laying my head on them.

And resting my slightly open lips

on that quiet juncture of your neck.

You say it tickles and I smile.
Then kiss it again for fun.

I breathe your clean scent in.
Interlaced fingers and rough skin.
You idly run your hand through my hair
Then rest it on my waist.
Our typical Tuesday dates.
The doorbell rings.
And my whole world shrinks
To desperation, guilt and panic.
For a moment I can't breathe.
You never seem to notice.
Honey, pizza's here.
You leave the room whistling.
Its been eight months since I left him
But with you I still feel like I'm cheating.

Singing on Thursdays

Yesterday, I put up a booth, of both balloons and kisses
By the third bench, of that park, a few steps from the well of wishes.
That became, the place where I, puckered up for many strangers
Instead of, the fateful place, where we first met each other.

I visited, that scarlet shop, to change the way I looked
I asked for bangs, to hide the spot, you kissed when I was blue.
I let them cut, my lengthy curls, to inches, two or three,
In hopes that I forget, the gently way, you tucked behind my ear.

I bring with me, always a book, that needed to be held.
So my hand, won't look for yours, like a hollow empty shell.
And I have bought, a dozen scarves, to wraparound myself
So I won't miss, your arms, your breadth and the spicy way you smell.

I quit the smokes, and lost the rasp, you say you always liked
So when I speak, I will not hear, my voice calling you mine.
Always at night, I fall asleep, right down the very center,
So if I wake up, maybe I'll forget, how you held me during winter.

I sang alone, under that lightpost, while onlookers dropped their dimes,
That became, my first performance, instead of, our last goodbye.
Now I can barely, recognize, this girl that plays my part.
Its all a waste, despite these ways, I could not change my heart.

Song of the Moon

There was once a singer who was known through the land
Whose voice could soothe and becalm any man
She was desired and pursued but it soon became clear
She had given her heart to a man who can't hear.

This man loved her as deep, he loved her true,
With his calloused hands he made and gave her all he knew
In daylight he sculpted and painted her smile,
He held her and warmed her, kept her safe through the night.

Often she would embrace him tight from behind,
And stayed still until both of their hearts beat in time.
She laid her cheek against ear, her hands over heart,
Her slender neck over broad shoulders, soft lips against scars
Then sang. Of all the many, many ways that she loved him
And hoped not that he could hear but that he would feel her love.

But one night cruelty and avarice broke into their home
And they blinded and broke him but left her alone
Shaking and half mad, her skirts soaked in his blood,
She wailed and she begged and she cried to her God

Mercy Father, mercy for this sweet, sweet man,
Please save him and heal him, let me take all his wounds!
Take my all, take my soul, I surrender my voice
I will pay any price, I will follow him where he goes!

Slowly, through tears she saw a careful light
Surround and erase all that was marred by the night
Tenderly she was lifted, by a gentle heat,
And with relief, finally gave herself to her God and sleep.

There was once a singer who was known through the land
Whose voice could soothe and becalm any man
She was desired and pursued but it soon became clear
She had given her heart to a man who can't hear.

This man loved her as deep, he loved her true,
With his calloused hands he made and gave her all he knew
In daylight he still sculpted and painted her smile,
And at night she watched him across the many, many miles
As she lit up the sky and tried not to be blue
She prayed he could still feel the song of the moon.

Finding Nowhere

In a few weeks we have managed to walk down our histories
You showed me callouses and cupboards, laugh lines and nooks and crannies
With every room you showed me where all your nightmares hid
Then told me how my voice seemed to make them disappear.

You followed me around as I carefully riffled through
Blew dust off forgotten favorites, drew blood from some old wounds
I said sorry and you smiled so I showed you my deepest scars
Then you shrugged and without pause, you called them beautiful.

We then traveled from our memories to lands we've yet to reach
To dreams and territories, cities and secret fears
We made hours into minutes, how was life before this man?
Who showed me how beautiful it could be if I just wiped the glass.

One day as I wandered through you called me to your door
and said "Look at all the flowers I've been planting here for her."
I reel with accusations, questions, shame and guilt.
Suddenly, this stranger's house, I couldn't wait to leave.

You reach out and hold tight to my wrist, my other hand upon the gate.
You smile and ask me to stay longer, but that's just too much time to waste.
We've traveled far and wide, companion, in paths we should have made alone
You've somehow made me an intruder, in a place I thought was home.

All those miles and minutes, I think, while standing there,
Somehow together, we have managed to find and reach nowhere.

Still Echoes

It echoes through that warmth, faint and phantom it teases me,

And it stirs the air, giving me hope for what could be,

But it seems when I'm close enough to hold it in my grasp,

The wind comes to blow the words away, too weak to last.

Soundless whispers call my name, I try to catch what is not said.

I say the name with every breath and yet you hear not what is pled.

And I see you wrapped around your chosen solitude,

Every single time you entice me to intrude.

The wind murmurs secrets now, you didn't catch, you didn't touch,

The secret voiceless longing of the muted singer that I am,

The silence is too loud, the hope now too faint to warm,

The echoes of my silent tears, the sound of mourning now…

Yet it teases me your silence, it echoes through my soul,

Resounding like glass shattered, my breaking heart, my song.

(2006 Poem. Tell me what you think)

Unang Harana

Namulat ako sa himig ng pag-ibig.
Di man alam ang bawat linya'y, kabisado ko ang himig.
Namumungay pa ang mga mata habang pinanonood kitang,
nakapikit, uwaawit, yakap-yakap ang 'yong gitara.

Hindi mo ako pinilit umawit.
Kusang sumabay ang ang aking munting tinig.
Di namalayan na kahit anong hina at tinis,
Dahan dahan akong naturuang umibig.

Minsan ang mga tengang di nasanay sa tahimik.
Ilang di mabilang na taon ring namingi.
Sa balitang di ka na raw kahit kailan babalik
Di na mabati, di na aawit, walang katapusang idlip.

Naiwan ang gitara mong mag isa hanggang naluma.
Inamag na't gagamba na lamang ang tumitipa.
Maingat na binalot at tinagong magaling.
Katulad kong naghihintay kung kailan pwedeng tugtugin.
Muli.

Kahit na pilat ay abot kaluluwa ang lalim
Unti-unting nawala ang pait ng aking awit
Dahil kahit pabulong, tanda ko ang iyong himig at pag-ibig
Nakapikit, umaawit, nakayakap sa akin.

(Para kay Papa)













At heto't muling nagbabalik. Sa aking unang harana.

My Pen

(First ever attempt at free verse. August '06. Tell me what you think.)

I haven't been writing lately.
No, I've been writing but I don't like it.
I can't finish it.
I can't finish it.

You liked my hands, you told me.
You said they were beautiful.
I believed you. I wanted to.
But my hands are shaking now.

I've been trying to write my songs lately.
You said you liked my voice.
So I try to sing. Do you hear it?
No melody comes to mind right now.
No.
Melody.
The words don't fit, they can't, I can't.
Fit in this reality.

I tried again, maybe tried too much,
So now it's overdone.
But I still don't like it.
Don't want to like it.
My words, my song are bland.
You're not holding my hands.
They are empty.
They are cold.
They are shaking…

I force myself, I beg and twist,
I held the pen too tight.
I broke it. I broke it
Now it won't write.

My hands are stained now.
And they shake as they reach for it.
The pen you gave me.
Before you went away.

I still can't write lately.
Not even to you.

We Called It Love

(More on long distance relationships. What do you think?)


I believed we could conquer the miles
We had love, we had trust and we had time.
So I threw all my doubts away
I'd choose us over pride any day.

Oh I shared all my pieces with you
No one else can tell my moods like you do
And I called you beautiful 
Even when some of your colors burned

We survived without sleep for a while
I thought dreams were so much sweeter beside you
And though the sun sets on you and rose on me
Our windows only cared that we could see.

In the end I let you break my heart
You said "Baby, we've been drifting apart."
And you called me beautiful.
Even as my whole world turned to blur.

We called it love.
We called it love.
We called it love.
We called it love.

Kiss Me While I Sleep

Barefoot she walks on that yellow brick road
Watching mem'ries play like movies of old
And how he sang to her with his guitar
Under the shade of the sparkling night star

She beckoned and raced him to that apple tree
Where they stole touches and kisses so sweet
That tree that held witness to love in the dark
That tree that held their vow's prints in its bark

Suddenly the sun comes and wakens the dame
With light that meant to her sorrow and pain
Her teardrop falls, as did the wilted rose
The tinkle of wind chimes follows her where she goes.

Salvation comes once again in her dreams
And as before carries her back through the years
Where nothing else mattered but her hand on his
And everything was soothed by one simple kiss

I shall return from the war do not fear
And he bent to kiss away all her tears.
Take care of the bloom I will come in time,
Surely you'll hear me with all your chimes.

She waited and waited held on to his words
Deaf to all else but the chimes that she heard
So she loathed the sun and the warmth that it brought
For sunlight held none of the love that she sought
Sunlight chased all traces of him
She blamed it for memories that had started to dim

She longed for the moon and the quiet it brought
She hears the chime louder, each time, she thought.
But the rose in her room seemed to wilt helplessly,
Same as the wind chimes she heard endlessly

Barefoot I walk in that yellow brick road
Watching memories play like movies of old
How he sang of all of the vows he would keep
Make me whole again, kiss me while I sleep.

(Please tell me what you think.)

I Will Paint The Sea

You giddily showed me how to paint the sky
With your stained hands and color palettes
You showed me royal, sapphire and denim for my blue
Rubies, corals and rust for my red.
And where I could only see an end
You showed me sunsets.

I learned well how to mix and match,
Sighs and shadow,
Scars and meadows,
The salt with the nectarines.
I eagerly showed you this new hued world
And you smiled,
Enraptured.
"Beautiful." you said.
"It looks like hers."

I saw another sunset.

So from your sky I took down my yellow stars,
the pale of the moon,
the dark of my night,
gathered them on the ground
and with almost no sound
I threw matches at the careful mound.

Merciless
I watched as my blues and reds blurred
Until there was only gray.
Here I taught myself
Dim and ash,
Storm and stone.
If embers escaped I put them out with my rain.
Alone.

Unmoved,
I watched and learned more.
Gray is now dove
Gray became steel.
Gray is now platinum.

And as you color her heavens and smile.
I realize I don't have to paint the sky.

Maybe Tomorrow

Everyday you promise yourself you will forget. 

And everyday you break that.

Because the pain is now a comfort.

It's familiar.

It's the pain you know.

It's the pain you know you can live with.

How else could it have lasted this long?

The beauty of the maybe that's never a no,

never an end, nor a closed door.

Who cares that it's never a definitive yes?

Maybes are secret and silent assents.

That is true as long as there's hope.

And you always hope.

Everyday.

Tomorrow you promise to forget. 
Tomorrow.

Maybe

Hibang

Ikaw ay bagyong inibig ko
Magmula nang apoy ay niyakap ko
At ang perlas na kalugkutang hinagkan ko
Naiipon sa nalulunod ko nang puso.

Kasalan ng puso kong tila ba hibang
Hintayin ba ang magpakailanman?
Ang tubig at langis pinaghahalong pilit
At pati ba ang pipi'y hintaying umawit?

Ngunit ang pusong hibang hindi papipigil
Ang ulan na sa Hunyo at Hulyo pa darating
Ang pilit na pinalalabas sa buwan ng Abril
Bakit nga ba sa imposible pa nahumahaling?

At ang kailanpamang hinintay ng isang hibang
Ay sandaling humaplos sa lupang tigang,
At saka lamang naisip na ang nyebe'y di kailanman nababati
Ng haring araw na sa langit na nakatali.

Silaw

When your significant other has dreams that are bigger than your love.

I.
Mahirap ngitian ang ligaya mong namamaalam
Pikit matang susuko, bukas ang mga palad.
Sa tadhanang, alam kong, di ko kayang pagtaguan
At gustuhin ko ma'y di ko dapat, kamuhian.

Koro
Tinatawag ka ng mga pangarap mo.
Sino ako, sino ako, para pigilin ka?

II.
Siyudad ng mga ilaw ang nais mong marating
Gintong dagat ng buhay ang nais mong languyin.
'Di na sapat ang, munting mundo natin.
At kahit katabi, 'di na dapat angkinin.

Koro

Koda
At pag napagod na sa silaw ng mga bituin.
At kung nagsawa na sa lamig at tayog na 'yong narating.
Heto ako, heto ako, para ibigin ka.

Koro:
Tinatawag ka ng mga pangarap mo.
Sino ako, sino ako, para pigilin ka?

At pag nakamit mo nang mga pangarap mo,
Heto ako, heto parin ako... para ibigin ka.

Mr. Paasa

Para sa mga paasa... at sa mga ayaw nang maging asumera.

I. 
Natuto na, talaga.
Nadala na sa makailang dagok
Na kaakibat ng pangako mong "Siguro"

Kilala na kita. 
Mga linyang kaya mo'y di praktisado
Pero memoryado,
at walang kasing labo.

Koro:
Mr. Pa-fall, Mr. Paasa, not now, pero balang araw.
Mr. Kung ikaw na lang sana.
Kunwari bestfriends lang ang turing.
Pero yayakap at aawit ng Kundimang akala mo lang ay sa'yo,
At pag nahulog ay biglaang lalayo.

II.
May sakit, may saklap,
Magtanong kung ano ang kulang sakin?
At di mo magawang umamin.

Sukdulan man ng tanga, 
Alam kong, may dulo rin ang sana.
Masakit yatang matawag na reserba.

Koro

Walang ampalayang katulad ko.
Kung walang paasang tulad mo.

Koro

Natuto na talaga.

Ashes

The debris of a long distance relationship:

Chorus:

You left me with nothing but my pride to hold on to.

As you went around the room and set fire to what was you and me

And ashes drift down to the floor,

I shouldn't beg.

You wouldn't change.

You couldn't turn these black stains back into what once was baby, you and me.

I.

I sit here in the aftermath, 

trying to make sense of what went wrong.

And my memories betray me, 

I thought that we were happy all along.

And I'm looking back through all of our pages,

which of our kisses were true?

Since when didn't you mean it,

when you said "I love you."

Chorus

II.

I learned that forever,

only lasts as long as now.

The two years we have fought for

All in twenty minutes gone.

You say that we're both hurting,

please stop trying to be kind!

You changed your mind, 

About the love that was baby, you and I.

Chorus

Bridge:

Now I have to choke on all their wise, wise words.

Admit I'm wrong, keep all these scars from showing.

You couldn't have touched my heart through all the many, many miles.

And all those hours, those plans are next to nothing.

You left me with nothing but my pride to hold on to.